39 awesome one-liners
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.
- The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
- My mother never realized the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
- Children: You spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen? Spent telling them to sit down and shut up.
- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
- I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
- Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
- If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
- I should’ve known it wasn’t going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I’m a Libra and she’s a bitch.
- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
- I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
- The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
- Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
- Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
- Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
- The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
- Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
- God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
- I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
- Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
- Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
- Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
- Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
- We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
- A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
- Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
- Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others… whenever they go.
- I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
- I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
- War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.